


A Rude Awakening

by Leydhawk



Series: Control [7]
Category: Glee
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Family, M/M, anxiety attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 15:48:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11107764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leydhawk/pseuds/Leydhawk
Summary: Dealing with their son hitting puberty causes a recurrence of Kurt's anxiety problems.





	A Rude Awakening

As Kurt and Bas had agreed after Bas dealt with having a talk with their daughter about masturbation, when the time came for discussing arrangements for more sets of sheets, along with lubricants and baby wipes for BB to have for his own coming of age, Kurt prepared himself as best he could. He was ready to do as Bas had done and order toys if BB wanted any, and he'd practiced his speech in the mirror enough times that he was pretty sure he wouldn't blush too badly.

Knocking on BB's door and being invited in, Kurt calmly recited what he'd prepared.

"Honey, I just wanted to talk with you about the changes that are happening with your body," Kurt said, sitting at the foot of BB's bed.

"Ohmygod, Pop, no. I don't want--"

"Look, it's completely normal, BB. And I just want you to be able to ask me any questions you might have, alright? Anytime."

BB looked torn. "Papa, what if..."

Kurt waited, keeping his face neutral and interested.

"C-can I talk to Dad instead?"

Kurt's stomach dropped but he kept from showing his hurt.

"Of course. We're both always here for you. You know that."

But once Bas had discussed it with BB, Kurt found he couldn't let it go. On a night the husbands were alone at home, he finally asked.

"Did he say why he wanted to talk to you instead of me?" Kurt asked.

Bas was quiet for a time.

"Babe, I don't want you to take this badly."

Kurt sat up stiffly. "Just tell me."

"You're...you're more, um, femme than me."

Kurt felt the blood drain from his face.

"He said that?"

Bas bit his lip. "Basically. Look, Blue Eyes, you can't deny that you're more buttoned up than I am. You're careful with your clothes and your skin, and--"

"That makes me too _feminine_ to be a _father_ to my _son_?" Kurt snapped.

"No, babe, he just--"

"And we both know Eliza prefers you, too! What have I done wrong? Am I a cold person? I don't--"

"Kurt! Hey, there's nothing wrong with you! And our kids don't love you any less than they love me. You know that. You have to know that!"

But Kurt was crying and shook his head.

"I'm never anyone's favorite, Bas. My dad and Carole favored Finn. Blaine... And now the kids, and I just don't understand what's wrong with me!"

Bas was up, moving around the table and drawing Kurt to his feet so he could wrap him up in his arms.

"Shh. Honey, no. No, no, no. That's not how it is. I'm sorry you ever thought it was. Come on, now. You're Blaine's best friend. You're my number one favorite person. Your dad and Carole adore you, the kids love you... Don't go all woe-is-me martyr-y. You are so very loved, Kurt. You're so special."

But the part of Kurt that he kept hidden so well, the outcast, the bullied, frightened, needy boy, wouldn't be silenced.

"Bas, you're the only one who prefers me! I sabotage all your friendships because I need you to pick me, to favor me, to love me best. I'm a terrible person. Obviously, I'm a lousy father if they don't feel like they can talk to me--"

"Oh for fuck's sake! You can't honestly think that!"

Kurt wrenched away and ran to their bedroom, and through, into the bathroom. He grabbed his tray of face creams and upended it, watching the bottles and jars scatter across the floor. There was a litany shouting in his head: Not good enough! Not good enough!

He dropped to the floor and sobbed, feeling completely out of control.

~*~

Bas was shaking. Kurt's anxiety rarely got this bad anymore. He walked on jelly legs to the cabinet in the kitchen with their pain relievers and vitamins. He dug to the back and found Kurt's prescription.

Finding Kurt on the bathroom floor was a painful reminder of the setback Kurt had had while he was in his final semester at NYADA. Bas breathed deeply and sat down beside his husband.

"Kurt, you're having an episode, love," Bas said quietly but firmly. "I need you to breathe. Slow it all down."

"I _can't_! Oh god..."

"Shh, babe. Yes, you can. Deep breath. Come on. You can do it. Breathe in."

Bas spent long minutes convincing Kurt to do what he asked, then weathered another storm of self-recrimination and tears getting him to take his pills. After that, they stayed curled up together on the bathroom floor until Bas finally got Kurt up and moved to the bed. The heavy dose of meds he'd taken made Kurt sleepy and Bas stayed until he was out before going to the kitchen to call the doctor.

A week later, Bas found Eliza and BB in BB's room talking in a worried hush.

"Hey guys, what's up?"

The siblings looked at each other for a long moment.

"Why's Papa seeing the doctor? Is he sick?" Eliza asked.

BB's face crumpled as he tried not to cry.

"I don't want Papa to die," he said brokenly.

Bas's jaw dropped and he moved quickly forward.

"No, no, buddy. You guys thought..."

"Papa looks like a zombie, and he's taking pills and seeing doctors..." Eliza said.

"Papa is _fine_ , guys. Well, not fine like he doesn't need help but he's not sick like you're thinking."

Both kids still looked worried and Bas realized he was going to have to tell them about Kurt's anxiety disorder. He just didn't know how.

"I need a little time to figure out how to explain what's going on with Pop, okay? Can you just trust and believe me that he's not dying, he's okay, and he's doing what he needs to in order to get better?"

Eliza looked resigned, BB stubborn.

Bas looked at his daughter with his eyebrows raised and she nodded. He nodded back, and ruffled BB's hair before he left the room, knowing Eliza would reassure BB.

He'd never really asked Kurt if this anxiety was something that ran in his family. If the kids might be predisposed to it, they deserved to know that.

So Bas called Burt.

"Mildred. And Lizzie talked about her grandpa being extremely particular about how certain things had to be and kinda freaking out if they weren't. Mildred just drinks. But Liz said she used to be super sensitive and cry a lot. So yeah, it may be a family thing. Bas... Is he okay? Why're you asking about this now?"

"He's managing. He had sort of a freak out and spiraled, but he's on his medication again and seeing his doctor. I just... The kids noticed and want to know what's going on, and I don't know what to tell them. I mean, Eliza is a champ. She's dealt with competition and school and she doesn't bat an eye. She's so down to earth it's like she's planted. But BB..."

"BB is thirteen years old, son. Remember Beth at that age?"

"Oh god, she was such a moody brat..."

"Uh-huh. So don't worry that BB's gonna have trouble later. Just deal with how it is right now."

"I just wish I could understand more about how his mind works and why he gets like this. It's so hard when he's feeling like no one loves him and he's all alone..."

"You're talking about Kurt now, right?"

"Yeah. I've been reading some papers about anxiety disorders but I don't really have the physiology background to understand--"

"Books are great and all, but, Bas, you know _him_. You love him and you get him to listen and do what he needs to. He knows deep down under all this anxiety that he's not alone. From that, he'll pull through, okay? He's strong, like his mother."

"You don't give yourself enough credit."

"Whatever. Just... Tell him I called and said for you to tell him I love him, alright?"

"I will. Thank you."

"And as for the kids: the only way Kurt and I made it together was to be honest with each other. They're smart kids, and they love you both like crazy."

So Bas told Kurt what they needed to do, and the family sat down after their traditional Friday night dinner together, and they told Eliza and BB about Kurt's anxiety disorder. They explained that it hadn't been this difficult for Kurt for many years, but that he was doing everything he could to manage it with this episode. After they were done, Eliza moved beside Kurt and hugged him.

"I'm so glad you had Daddy when you had trouble in college. I'm glad you have each other now. And if I can do anything to help, Papa, just ask, okay? And Uncle Blaine and Coach and Elliott and Tony... Even Uncle Eric: they all love you and would do anything for you."

Kurt was very quiet, blushing hard and not really meeting anyone's eyes, but he accepted hugs and thanked everyone and then retired to bed.

Bas, BB, and Eliza put a movie on, but after only half an hour or so, BB got up, and Bas figured he was going to the bathroom or something, but he didn't. He went to see Kurt.

~*~

"Papa, this is my fault, isn't it?"

Kurt sat up immediately from his contemplation of the ceiling when his son spoke.

"What? No, honey. This isn't anyone's fault."

"I saw how upset you were when I wanted to talk to Dad about...um, guy stuff."

The insidious voice in his mind pointed and laughed but Kurt sat up and waved BB over to sit with him.

"I love you, BB. You're my son. But I am worried about your mental capacity if it's escaped you that I'm a man," Kurt said, his lips quirking.

"Pop! That's not..."

"I know. I just feel uncomfortable and so I'm making a joke. It's called deflecting."

BB looked at Kurt with his big blue eyes and one eyebrow raised. Kurt had to smile at the familiar expression.

"Sweetheart, I have this challenge in my life; this anxiety. It's something that makes some things harder for me to deal with than others. But they're for me to deal with. They're my challenges, and my reactions. You haven't done anything wrong. I'm sorry for scaring you, and for not being more open about this. Mental illness isn't something to be ashamed of. Depression, anxiety, OCD; they're real health challenges like diabetes or high blood pressure. They're treatable, and people live normal lives with them. I'm in the treatment part right now. But I'm not in danger; I'm not going to go crazy. I'm going to get back to normal soon. And... Maybe even better than normal, okay? I know you're closer to Dad than me, but I'd like us to find things to do together, too."

BB looked much relieved. "I always kinda feel like you're too busy for me. I don't want to bother you."

"Blaine, honey, you are _never_ a bother. _Nothing_ is more important to me than you and Eliza and Dad."

BB scrunched his very Hummel nose. "Don't call me Blaine. It makes me think I'm in trouble."

Kurt laughed and ran his fingers through BB's hair. "Okay. I guess I shouldn't have always used Blaine Burt when you were doing something crazy, huh?"

"Yeah."

"So, are we okay now?"

"Yeah. Thanks Pop."

"You're welcome."

So Kurt started cutting back on the extra time he spent at work. He went to more of BB's lacrosse games, even though they bored him.

Knowing how much BB adored his grandfather, he took a short trip to Ohio with just the two of them. And of course seeing Burt was good for Kurt as well.

Kurt getting to know his son better, and letting BB know him in return was one of the best things that had happened to the family in a long time, and although they were very different types of men, Kurt and BB gradually became friends as well as father and son.

It was the best outcome Kurt could ever have imagined.

 


End file.
